I think if I’m gonna answer that question, because it is a hard question, I’d like to suggest that we all answer that question right now, while I’m talking. I’ll continue. Believe me, I won’t shut up. I have a microphone. But let’s all ask ourselves that question right now. What does it feel like to be you? What does it feel like to be you? Yeah. It feels good to be you, doesn’t it? It feels good, because there’s one thing that you are — you’re the only one that’s you, right?. So you’re the only one that’s you, and we get confused sometimes — or I do, I think everyone does — you try to compete. You think, Dammit, someone else is trying to be me. Someone else is trying to be me. But I don’t have to armor myself against those people; I don’t have to armor myself against that idea if I can really just relax and feel content in this way and this regard. If I can just feel, just think now: How much do you weigh? This is a thing I like to do with myself when I get lost and I get feeling funny. How much do you weigh? Think about how much each person here weighs and try to feel that weight in your seat right now, in your bottom right now. Parts in your feet and parts in your bum. Just try to feel your own weight, in your own seat, in your own feet. Okay? So if you can feel that weight in your body, if you can come back into the most personal identification, a very personal identification, which is: I am. This is me now. Here I am, right now. This is me now. Then you don’t feel like you have to leave, and be over there, or look over there. You don’t feel like you have to rush off and be somewhere. There’s just a wonderful sense of well-being that begins to circulate up and down, from your top to your bottom. Up and down from your top to your spine. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile, that makes you want to feel good, that makes you want to feel like you could embrace yourself.
So what’s it like to be me? You can ask yourself, What’s it like to be me? You know, the only way we’ll ever know what it’s like to be you is if you work your best at being you as often as you can, and keep reminding yourself: That’s where home is.
I read this energy, astrological, universe type of analysis every month when my friend posts it to her Facebook feed.
September’s theme is change, and specifically about focus, boundaries, self esteem - leading to empowerment and responsibility and so on. Regardless, I feel that energy very intimately lately. I am seeing it pop up within my life in very sort of staggered, a bit jarring (because change can feel that way often) ways. It’s good, cleansing and a bit scary I guess.
Sometimes change comes in very matter-of-fact, frustrating, confusing ways or it slides ever so gently right under your toes and goes unnoticed until what it’s left behind is all that is left.
I went recently went home home (PNW), and felt a lot of things that I haven’t felt for a while. It was mostly a fun trip without a doubt, but there were times I felt a bit of shame, resentment and then embarrassment for feeling these type of juvenile thoughts and emotions or over sharing problems that really should just stay in a certain inner circle.
My brother came up a lot - although I never saw him, I intensely felt him. I think we are very deeply tied to each other and maybe that’s why talking about him gets me so worked up. Knowing he’s in distress, or hurting himself is sometimes physically painful for me. I think it’s beyond a blood and sibling thing, because beyond any other family member besides my dad I feel that we are truly tied together in a very spiritual energy type of sense. I don’t know. We are very similar, too, which is actually terrifying for me to recognize.
It’s strange. I saw a post on Facebook not just thirty minutes ago where he was tagged in it. I haven’t looked at his Facebook page, or seen anything from him for a long time. That has been a good thing for me, but it’s been so long that I guess I should have mentally been more prepared to know how I would feel if I did see something from him on Facebook. I didn’t recognize the things he wrote in comments - they didn’t sound like him - it was from a foreign person I’ve never met. But, it was encouraging, light and from somewhere deep. This is good, but I almost recoiled inside. I remember telling one of my friends when I first found out where he was at - and feeling numb and nothing when I should have been rejoicing. Their response was - this is incredible and such good news. Why wasn’t I reacting that way? Was my feelings coming from a place of anger and selfishness? I did not feel angry, instead I just felt exhausted and tired from the five minute conversation about the news. I did not know what I was feeling or should feel and I still do not know.
Maybe he truly has changed. Maybe he has forever changed. Or maybe this is just something for now, while he’s in such a strict and controlled environment. Maybe this will all disappear when he is out on his own again. Then what? Or what if I need to have more faith in people? I do not know. Maybe it’s not even something I need to contemplate or worry about.
I’m really concerned about Christmas. What if I do want to see him while I desperately don’t want to all at the same time? How much more confused will I be at that point - or is this just something I feel now? What if I disappeared during Christmas and avoided it all together? Things I sometimes fantasize about…
My friend broke up with her boyfriend a day ago. She’s sad about it, and although I felt like this probably not the best match in the first place. I felt for her pain. The pain of someone deciding they don’t want to be with you anymore, even though they thought and acted like they wanted to be with you at one point not just months ago.. What changed? How could you so easily retract that feeling? Maybe nothing changed - maybe those signs were prevalent all along and we just had to flat out hear it said aloud to actually see the truth. That is painful though. You can’t help but ask - was it something I did or didn’t do? What changed for you to decide you were no longer willing to invest? Over and over we go through everything, dissect the parts we did mess up and we do a mental slap in the face and plead ‘if only.’ Why do you say - you could have loved me? Why didn’t you just let yourself? What changed to prevent yourself from even getting there? I do not know. But something changed. I felt her pain there.
Change is exhausting, and it just makes me want to hide away. Getting away helped ease the adjustment and any of the slight burn and prick of it though. But, I only have the feeling to press the reset button and think in solitude. To not let anyone in, and know when to just cut my losses so I can move on. It makes me feel just vulnerable enough to not let anyone in too much, in fear that I will break if I do at this time. Stay at a distance for now, until I right this inner battle and feel at peace enough with whatever is happening.
Here’s to next month-